Now blokes, when you say you’re going to cook for your girl, you need to do it right. You need to take charge and handle everything, just like she does when she cooks for you. None of this, here’s what I need, you buy it and I’ll prepare it, then afterwards expect her to clean up or be your sous chef during the preparation. It’s all or nothing, and if you can’t do it all, quite frankly, don’t bother, you’re wasting her time and yours. So here’s a few pointers for the serious ones amongst you.

Begin by planning the menu, the ambiance of the occasion, how you plan to invite her (even if you live together, the invitation is as important as the meal itself, after all, most foreplay happens even before you kiss her), the ingredients you’ll need (yes you have to write a list and do the shopping) and the night you’re going to do it. Don’t pick a weeknight when she has to get up the next day. And most of all, don’t cook foods you like, cook things she likes and if you don’t know what they are, ask her family or friends.

So, the menu, the all important menu. Firstly some home truths about certain foods. Absolutely no-no’s are pasta, rice dishes, beans of any variety, milky puddings and sauces, anything with flour in it and cheese. All these will either cause bloating, fullness, uncomfortableness, and general disinterest in anything after the meal, or, if you have them in the first 2 courses, before the meal is even ended. If you want to score, you have to make sure she also is in the mood to, and if you’ve filled her belly to point of bursting, trust me, you aint got a hope in hell. So…

Choose The Menu Carefully And Put Some Time Into It
If you’re doing more than one course, make sure the choices compliment each other. Don’t serve a hearty soup for entre a stew for main and a milky pudding for dessert, unless you aren’t interested in getting laid afterwards because she won’t be able to move off the dining chair, not to mention she’ll be so embarrassed about he size of her stomach fatter eating all that heavy food and be concerned she’ll be breaking wind silently all night in bed, she’ll probably either go home if you don’t live together or sleep in the spare room, so your efforts will have been wasted. Mind you, if you don’t care about that (what planet are you from) then by all means go ahead, it’s a sure way not get any for that night.

The Nibbles
If you want to have nibbles with the French champagne you’re offering when she arrives (unless your girl doesn’t like champagne, don’t even think about any other kind if you want to impress her), don’t do an entrée, or do a very light one, it’s far too much food and the bubbles have a filling effect of their own. Opt for hors d’oeuvres that are premade and served on a plate rather than bikkies and dips or help yourselves kind of nibbles, it’s too easy to fill up and very difficult to stop, in which case she’ll be too full for the main food you’ve so lovingly prepared. Go for morsels served on vegetable bases such as smoked salmon with dill cream served on cucumber slices, or goats cheese quenelles with ginger pecans served in witlof leaves, and only make enough for 3-4 each maximum. It’ll whet her appetite for the next instalment.

If you don’t have nibbles then definitely do an entrée, but think carefully about the weight of each course you’ve planned, and by that I mean the types of foods in each balancing with each other. Think opposites when planning courses and keep the food light, especially if you’re cooking an evening meal. Opt for entrees that incorporate raw foods such as light salads, or sashimi, or cold soups. By having high water content foods up front (i.e. not cooked), there will be room for something cooked for the main.

Even though you can cook something here, remember, the more cooked the food, the harder to digest and the less chance of you scoring (on every count). So, think some cooked food, some raw again, that is maybe a protein of some sort, fish is ideal because it’s light and easy to digest and a salad or lightly steamed veggies. Keep sauces light with not too much cream or thickening. Avoid pasta, rice dishes or dishes with rice accompaniments, and definitely avoid potatoes and other starchy vegetables. Greens are good, salads are good.

Woo her here but do it with simplistic elegance. Opt for something very small but delectable such as a cream brulee, crème caramel, sorbet, if you’re game and have the time to make it, chocolate mousse will be great if she likes chocolate, just don’t make a litre of it and serve her half.

She’ll hate to waste it but it will definitely make her too tired and full for anything else, if you know what I mean. So do a mousse if you like, but serve it in a martini glass and only half fill it. If there’s any left over put it in a container and you enjoy it for the rest of the week.

Definitely avoid hot cooked puddings, cakes with sauces or syrups or anything that needs to be cooked fresh. Spending time away from her means you’re giving her every chance to take a nap and once she’s taken even a short bubby zuzz, she’s gone for the evening.

If you don’t want to do a dessert, an affogato is always a nice simple choice. But, you’ll need an espresso machine, they simply don’t work unless the coffee espressed.

And then there’s…ron…
Once you’ve satisfied her with all the delectableness you can, offer her a cooling class of French bubbly to finish off with a few orgasmic chocolates  and the rest, as they say in the classics, should be history.

Good luck, let me know how you go.